What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?
by penguingirl-777
Summary: Soft-shoeing, Galadriel the punk, Legolas' real mission, and Gandalf's pleghmy cough! Oh my!
1. The Beginning through Lorien

REALLY Dumb LOTR Scenes  
  
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine  
  
Rivendell- 11:56 PM  
  
Arwen: A Elbereth Gilthoniel, silvren penna miriel, o menel aglar, uh,  
right. I forget. Sooooo, pass the FRIIIIED CHICKEN!  
  
Aragorn: ???  
  
Elrond: Let the girl bloat. She shall learn. In the meantime, why don't we  
all listen to Bilbo sing about Earendil the mariner as Gandalf does that  
fireworks thingy and we all get fiercely drunk. WHO'S WITH ME!!!  
  
Elrond's Council- 11:30 AM  
  
Boromir (pointing at Aragorn): Who is this man? He is smelly and dirty and  
gross! Ick!  
  
Legolas: He is Aragorn son of Arathorn. I am trying to sound important, but  
it is not working.  
  
Gandalf: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg whatever, burzum-  
ishi crimpatul!!!!!  
  
Elrond: My, was that the Dark Speech of Mordor, Gandalf?  
  
Gandalf: Actually, I have a really phleghmy cough.  
  
Legolas: Like, EW! That is, like, sooo gross! How DARE you mention that in  
front of Prince Squeaky-Clean!  
  
Moria- 3:45 PM  
  
Pippin: Oh, look! A skeleton! I have to go make a complete fool of myself  
by knocking it into that hole!  
  
Merry: OOH! Can I help?  
  
Pippin: Get your own skeleton!  
  
Legolas: Ai! Ai! A Balrog is come! I am acting dramatic about something  
that doesn't really pose a threat to me or concern me at all! WE'RE ALL  
GONNA DIE!  
  
(The Balrog enters, holding a cane and top hat, and soft-shoes across the  
floor. It proceeds to jump on the bridge, which causes him to fall into a  
fiery pit. Gandalf follows.)  
  
Later-  
  
Aragorn: Hey, where'd Gandalf go?  
  
Legolas: Don't you remember? He fell in that pit. Frodo was screaming like  
a girl.  
  
Boromir: He still is.  
  
Frodo (20 feet away): GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF!  
GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF! GGGGGAAAAANNNNDDDAAAALLLLFFFF! GGGGAAA- (he  
realizes people are  
staring) Oh. Pardon me.  
  
Nimrodel- 9:09 AM  
  
Legolas: Here she is, fair Nimrodel.  
  
Aragorn: It's a river.  
  
Legolas: Exactly. Do you think I am stupid?  
An Elven-maid there was of old,  
A shining star by day,  
Her mantle white was hemmed with gold,  
Her hair was silver-gray.  
  
(Boromir sniggers)  
  
Legolas: A star was bound upon her brows,  
A light was on her hair,  
As sun upon the golden boughs  
In Lorien the fair.  
Her hair was long, and she was light,  
So she so thin and long  
Flew through the crisp, bright air all night  
Because the wind was strong.  
That is all I remember. BOROMIR! Stop laughing you little whelp!  
  
Lorien- 10:35 AM  
  
Galadriel: Let them in.  
  
Celeborn: Why?  
  
Galadriel: Because I SAID SO.  
  
Celeborn: Okaaaaay.  
  
The Fellowship enters-  
  
Haldir: Welcome son of Arathorn. Welcome son of Thranduil. Welcome ugly  
man. Welcome short guys.  
  
Legolas: They are not short guys. They are nobler than you shall ever be,  
el stupido. I am still trying to sound important.  
  
Galadriel: GASP!  
  
Celeborn: GASP!  
  
Aragorn: GASP!  
  
Haldir: GASP!  
  
Everyone else: GGGAAASSSPPP!  
  
Galadriel: Well then. Where is Gandalf? I am sure that 9 set out from  
Rivendell.  
  
Boromir: Gandalf the Grey fell in a pit. Deal, ugly elf lady.  
  
Galadriel: Now I know ya'll ain't talkin' to me.  
  
Boromir: Yes I am.  
  
Galadriel: No ya'll ain't!  
  
Boromir: SUPER FATTENING MCDONALDS ATTACK!  
  
(Galadriel has a heart attack)  
  
Celeborn: OH NO! She must have had TOO MUCH CHOLESTEROL!  
  
Exiting Lorien- 6:08 AM  
  
Galadriel: Ok, here's your stuff. Legolas, here's a bow of our peeps in  
Lorien.  
  
Legolas: Okaaaaay.  
  
Galadriel: Ya'll got that right. Frodo, here is a really neat shiny thing.  
  
Frodo: Yay! I like shiny!  
  
Galadriel: Yes you do. Aragorn, here is a useless sheath that was probably  
forged in some great age or crap like that.  
  
Aragorn: Riiiiight.  
  
When all the gifts have been given.  
  
Galadriel: Ok, ya'll, here's some cloaks. Me an' my homie Gs wove them.  
Party: Okaaaaay.  
  
Well!?!? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Am I a monkey? Tell me all about  
it! YAAAY! 


	2. It Gets Worse

What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?  
Chapter 2: It Gets Worse  
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue, down with Care Bears.  
  
River Anduin- 1:45 PM  
  
Aragorn: Ok, we're at the river. Let's all jump in, float around, and  
generally forget we're supposed to be noble heroes!  
  
Pippin: But we did that in Moria!  
  
Legolas: Yeah, but I never got a chance to derail myself!  
  
Gimli: Uh-um- (fingers Galadriel's hair) I shall never call anything fair  
again unless it  
be. . .oh, what was it? Herman Schmidt? No, no. . .her gift? Yes, that's  
it. Her gift!  
  
Boromir: Dude, you were supposed to say that last chapter!  
  
Some Giant: Fe, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!  
  
Aragorn: Wrong story. I believe you are looking for the Idiots Convention?  
  
Giant: Whatever.  
  
---------Later--------  
  
Sam: AAAARGH!  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Sam: A LOG WITH EYES!!!  
  
Aragorn: What? OH NO! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!  
  
Sam: Is he even in this scene?  
  
Frodo: No. Go away Strider.  
  
Much later-  
  
Boromir: Paddle! Paddle! Oh, wait! That doesn't SOUND RIGHT!  
  
Legolas: YRCH!  
  
Gimli: Orcs!  
  
Aragorn: No, it's worse! It's THE CARE BEARS! NOOO!  
  
Wish Bear: Who needs a Care Bear hug?  
  
Aragorn: AAAH! NOOOO! NOT HAPPY!  
  
Legolas: Dude, stop with the capital letters already! It's totally messing  
up the page!  
  
Hugs Bear (I don't know their names. I'm just making it up as I go along.):  
Hahahaha! Hugs! (hugs Aragorn)  
  
Frodo: STRIDER!  
  
Gimli: NOOOO!  
  
Aragorn: AAARGH!  
  
Ecstasy Bear: Whee! Up with happy, down with Sauron!  
  
Legolas: Hey, these guys hate Sauron, too!  
  
(Saruman appears)  
  
Saruman: Come, my minions! Don't waste your time! You should be helping me  
take over the world!  
  
(All the Care Bears disappear)  
  
Aragorn: Okaaay.  
  
Amon Hen- 12:49 PM  
  
Boromir: Come on Halfling. Gimme the Ring.  
  
Frodo: No.  
  
Boromir: Yes.  
  
Frodo: No.  
  
Boromir: Yes.  
  
Frodo: Yes.  
  
Boromir: No.  
  
Frodo: Ha. You said no. Go away.  
  
Boromir: But I will use the Ring only for good!  
  
Frodo: No you won't, liar. Now go get killed.  
  
Boromir: Maybe I will! Hmph!  
  
Later-  
  
Gimli: Where is Boromir?  
  
(Horn blows)  
  
Aragorn: Boromir's horn!  
  
Legolas: We must go find him! Eventually!  
  
(2 hours pass)  
  
Aragorn: Ok, let's go.  
  
(they reach Boromir)  
  
Gimli: He's DEAD?!?  
  
Aragorn: Oh well.  
  
Legolas: He was uglier than me anyways. So we must now sing a song that  
we're making up off the top of our heads!  
  
Aragorn: Ooh, goodie!  
Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows  
The West Wind comes waking, and up your nose it goes- haha!  
What news from the west, o wandering wind, do you bring to me tonight?  
Have you seen Boromir the Futile by moon or by starlight?"  
  
(He continues singing sappily)  
  
Legolas: From the mouths of the Sea the South Wind flies, from the  
sandhills and the stones;  
The sniveling of the tourists it bears and at the gate it moans.  
"What news from the South, o day-tripper lure, do you bring to me at eve?  
Where now is Boromir the Truly Unsightly? He tarries and I grieve."  
  
(He also goes on)  
  
Aragorn: From the gate of the Kings the North Wind rides, and past the  
Brainless Falls,  
And clear and cold about the tower its deafeningly loud horn calls.  
"What news from the north, o dim-witted wind, do you bring to me today?  
What news of Boromir the Coward, for he is long away.  
  
(they keep singing)  
  
Aragorn: Ok, that was a good 5 minutes. Let's go.  
  
END  
  
Well, did you like it? I sure had fun writing it, tell me what you think!  
  
Bye for now,  
  
Penguin Girl 


	3. It Gets Even Worse

What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?  
Part 3  
  
Hi again! It's Penguin Girl with the latest chapter of what just may be the  
most retarded fanfic ever written. I want to take a moment to thank all of  
my 6 reviewers and post some comments on (long pause) uh, their comments.  
Here goes.  
  
Lady Riven- Thank you.  
  
LegosGrl- Yes, I did know that. That was not, for the record, what I meant,  
but it would make sense if it was interpreted that way.  
  
hehe- Glad to hear it.  
  
Terriah- Ok, I will.  
  
Jessy-J05- Yes, it is quite discombobulated, isn't it?  
  
lotrfan4ever- I can't find a word for it either.  
  
We're still at Amon Hen, aren't we? ---12:50 PM  
  
Gimli: You left the East Wind to me, but I can't think of anything to say.  
Oh well.  
  
Aragorn: That is as it should be. In Minas Tirith they endure the East  
Wind, but they do not ask it for tidings.  
  
Legolas: Do they ask ANY wind for tidings?  
  
Aragorn: Yes.  
  
Legolas: Really?  
  
Aragorn: Yes.  
  
Legolas: Really really?  
  
Aragorn: Yes.  
  
Legolas: Really really really?  
  
Aragorn: Yes, they do.  
  
Legolas: Oh.  
  
(5 minutes later)  
  
Legolas: REALLY REALLY REALLY?  
  
Aragorn: Yes, elfboy, they do.  
  
(later)  
  
Aragorn: No orcs. Not sure about the hobbits.  
  
Gimli: So what does that mean?  
  
Legolas: It means they took a boat.  
  
Aragorn: How do you know?  
  
Legolas: I read the books.  
  
Gimli: Can't beat that logic.  
  
(later)  
  
Legolas: They are far, far away. Far. REAL far. And when I say far, I mean-  
  
Aragorn: Okay, I get it. Dwarf! Come! We must go. The scent is growing  
cold.  
  
Gimli: I thought Wolverine was the one with the superior sense of smell?  
And besides, it's dark and I'm scared and I WANT MY MOMMY!  
  
(Aragorn lies on the ground and stays there for about 5 minutes)  
  
Gimli: Is he dead yet?  
  
Legolas: No, that's not until the-oh! Can't reveal the plot!  
  
Peter Jackson: No, you can't. Shut up or you'll be fired. Leonardo DiCaprio  
can take your place. For that matter, Johnny Depp can replace Viggo.  
  
Viggo & Orlando: Ok, ok, we'll be good.  
  
Peter: Ok, I'll THINK about it.  
  
(Viggo beheads him)  
  
Viggo: That'll take care of that. 


	4. Can It Get Worse? Yes

What If LOTR Went Horribly Wrong?  
Ok, I'm back with Chapter Five (I think this is chapter five, I lost  
count.) Anyway, here we go with another retarded episode!  
By The River  
Legolas: Come on, Aragorn, we've been sitting here for HOURS! Make up your  
mind already!  
  
Gimli: It's been a grand total of five minutes.  
  
Legolas: How do you know? You don't have a watch!  
  
Gimli: Oh yes I. . .don't.  
  
Legolas: Right! Watches haven't been invented yet.  
  
Aragorn: We follow the Orcs.  
  
Legolas: Does that have anything at all to do with what I just said?  
  
Aragorn: No. But I'm the boss so I get to tell you what to do.  
  
Legolas: EVIL PERSON!  
  
Aragorn: Heyyyy! YOU'RE the one who told me not to use the capital letters!  
  
Legolas: WhatEVER.  
  
----------------Later----------------  
  
Aragorn: Pick up the boat and let's go.  
  
(Legolas huffily picks up the boat.)  
  
Legolas: This is too difficult for one as delicate and prettiful as me!  
  
Gimli: Fine. I'LL take the boat. (He takes the boat from Legolas)  
  
In Moria, Under Khazad-dum  
  
Balrog: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  
  
Gandalf: That'll do.  
  
Balrog: Oh, you're no fun.  
  
Gandalf: I'm an old man. What did you expect? (He promptly dies)  
  
Balrog: Uh, okay. . .  
  
In Lorien---Galadriel is composing her poems  
  
Galadriel: Hey Celeborn. What rhymes with "Sea?"  
  
Celeborn: Uh. . .thee, tree, me, tee, he, she, ye, knee, three, we, key,  
fee, gee, hee, what Haldir says when he sees Orcs, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE," and my  
favorite, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Galadriel: `Kay.  
  
(5 minutes later)  
  
Galadriel: What rhymes with "shore?"  
  
Random Elf: Bore, door, lore, more, core, sore, roar, boar, moor, or, tore,  
and war.  
  
Galadriel: `Kay.  
  
(10 minutes later)  
  
Galadriel: What rhymes with Gloin?  
  
Celeborn: Nothing really. Loin, join, and coin. That's about it.  
  
Galadriel: Darn. I can't DO this! It's already really hard, and to top it  
off, I'm recovering from a heart attack!  
  
(15 minutes later)  
  
Galadriel: What's a synonym for "family?"  
  
Celeborn: I am NOT a thesaurus within a dictionary!  
  
Galadriel: That's right. You're my husband who does WHATEVER I TELL HIM TO.  
  
Celeborn: Relatives, relations, people, folks, kin, kinsfolk, children,  
family unit, and ancestors. HAPPY NOW???  
  
Galadriel: `Kay.  
  
END  
  
What do you think? I hope you guys like this, and I want to thank all my  
reviewers for being SO exceedingly NICE.  
  
Well bye for now!  
  
~Penguin Girl 


End file.
